A Serious Investigative Investigation: ‘Who Are MASKED INTRUDER?: An Investigation’

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We recently reviewed the new album by the mysteriously anonymous band, MASKED INTRUDER. It’s a nice little piece of pop punk gold, which made us even more curious: Who are these masked gentlemen? We’ve decided to launch a full-on, exhaustive investigation complete with Emmy-worthy research. And frankly, we don’t care that they don’t give Emmys to websites, we’re doing it. Suck it, Geraldo.


EVIDENCE

Exhibit A: Band photo/bio

The above band photo is the most helpful visual evidence we’ve got on the band. Incidentally, it’s also the only visual evidence we’ve got. The heights, builds, and demeanors are all telling. But probably the biggest clues lie in the tattoos. Some upper arm tattoos on two members and one with a pretty distinctive hand tattoo. The fourth member may or may not have tattoos, but given his hoodie, this makes him a Wild Card.

The band, which supposedly hails from Madison, WI, released this bio:

We got four masked men: Blue (self-described “hopeless romantic” and probably  the brains behind the operation), Red (said to be a “loose cannon”, plays drums, the wheelman), Yellow (the “heart breaker” that plays bass, so you know he’s a goon), and Green (renowned “wild man” and extra nasty due to a short guy complex).

Exhibit B: The band’s Twitter account

We figured a good place to look for leads would be to examine the first few people the band followed on Twitter. Here’s what we got:

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Exhibit C: The band’s music

Very catchy, heart-on-the-sleeve style of pop punk with a criminal undertone. 


POSSIBLE SUSPECTS

Mike Yannich / Alias: Mikey Erg (The Ergs) 

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  • Music: Stylistically, this record has Erg written all over it. Lots of sugary, hopeless romantic pop punk lyrics.
  • Appearance: None of the tattoos match. Erg has a Black Flag and No Idea tattoo on his left arm. So he’s not Red, Green, or Yellow. He does wear framed glasses like Blue. While we wouldn’t put it past Erg to rock a hoodie, it seems like he’d have more buttons on it.
  • Location: New Jersey (1,000 miles away)

Teenage Bottlerocket

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  • A prime suspect as they were one of the first bands to be followed by Masked Intruder on Twitter (Exhibit B). In addition to sharing a label with Intruder (Red Scare), there are some musical similarities between the two bands, particularly in the guitar riff department.
  • Appearance: Neither of Bottlerocket’s guitarists seem to have tattoos that match that of Red, Green, or Yellow. But like Intruder, TBR also has a thing for black clothes and leather jackets.
  • Super into tucking thumbs into pants pockets.
  • Location: Laramie, WY (1000 miles away)

Dear Landlord

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  • Given that Dear Landlord is the second account Masked Intruder followed on Twitter, this makes them a “person of interest” according to our Law and Order: SVU training.
  • Music: While both bands fall into the category of pop punk, Dear Landlord’s delivery is a bit more aggressive.
  • Appearance: Hard to tell, but as far as we could see, neither guitarist nor bassist have tattoos matching those of Intruder.
  • Location: Minneapolis, MN (275 miles away) and Carbondale, IL (675 miles away)

Toby Jeg (owner, Red Scare Records)

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  • Seems to know a whole lot about Masked Intruder. A little too a whole lot.
  • Connected to anyone who would be in the band.
  • Location: Chicago, IL (150 miles away)

Judge Judy

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  • Honestly, this one seems like a long shot but given that Her Honor is high on Intruder’s Twitter list, we’ve got to do due diligence and consider her.
  • The whole “law theme” fits.
  • Music: N/A. Courtroom theme song not very similar.
  • Appearance: Hard to get a good read on tattoos with that robe on.
  • Location: Greenwich, CT (1,000 miles away)

Brendan Kelly (The Lawrence Arms)

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  • High billing on Intruder’s Twitter list. Then again, Kelly is a huge Twitter nerd.
  • Has a lifetime ban from the Warped Tour. That’s not particularly relevant but we just like bringing that up.
  • Tattoos don’t match those of Intruders.
  • Location: Chicago, IL (150 miles away)

The Slow Death

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  • If our Mikey Erg assumption is correct, this strengthens our case, given his connection to this band.
  • The Slow Death has a confirmed short dude in it, leading us to believe he is Green.
  • Third account to be followed on Twitter.
  • Location: Minneapolis, MN (275 miles away)
The Gusto
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  • Using our location clue, we had to look into some Madison, WI bands and went straight for The Gusto. Hailing from Madison, they are all geographical suspects.
  • Musically, not a terribly close match. The Gusto are not nearly as poppy as Intruder.
  • Appearance: Hard to tell from outdated photos, but our crack research team found very strong tattoo matches, particularly on the drummer to Red. Two of them also wear rimmed glasses like Blue (but then again, who doesn’t.)
  • Location: Madison, WI

Chixdiggit!

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  • A long shot given that they are the only non-American band on our suspect list. But musically, the two have a lot of commonalities. 
  • Appearance: Tough to get a read on their tattoos since they are Canadian and it’s too cold for Canadians to ever take their jackets off. No Canadian has ever been able to be coatless long enough to get a tattoo.
  • Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada (1,500 miles away) [Fun fact: Calgary is home of professional wrestler, Bret “The Hitman” Hart, who did not make our list.]

Toys That Kill

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  • Musically TTK are not very similar to Intruder, although their song Bomb Sniffing Dogs is very reminiscent of Intruder’s whole “outlaw” schtick. 
  • Touring with Intruder.
  • Location: San Pedro, CA (2,000 miles away)

Nothington

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  • Touring with Intruder.
  • Also on Red Scare Records.
  • Appearance: Tattoos don’t seem to match.
  • Location: San Francisco, CA (2,000 miles away)

Smoke or Fire

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  • Touring with Intruder.
  • Music: Not poppy enough to be a natural musical fit.
  • Appearance: Tattoos don’t seem to match.
  • Members think they’re cool enough to wear Tragedy shirts when they are not. 
  • Location: Richmond, VA (900 miles away)

The Locust

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  • Musically, not similar at all but anytime you’re dealing with a bunch of masked nerds, you’ve got to keep The Locust in mind.

Green Day

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  • God, we don’t want it to be Green Day. WE DON’T WANT IT TO BE FUCKING GREEN DAY. But given Green Day’s history of secret, often masked side projects, e.g. The Network, Foxboro Hot Tubs, we had to keep them in the running.

CONCLUSION

We don’t know.

Notes

  1. over-my-dad-body reblogged this from jadedpunk and added:
    It’s def Green Day
  2. punkgoescounty reblogged this from jadedpunk and added:
    My theory is that they’re a super group made of members from a bunch of these bands like Chixdiggit for Blue and The...
  3. caitlinirl reblogged this from jadedpunk
  4. sparks-the-skankosaurus-rex reblogged this from jadedpunk
  5. fontonascreen reblogged this from jadedpunk
  6. feedmewifi reblogged this from jadedpunk
  7. severalknives reblogged this from iwantxtobelieve
  8. iwantxtobelieve reblogged this from jadedpunk
  9. nfran25 reblogged this from jadedpunk
  10. torschypantz reblogged this from jadedpunk and added:
    This was too entertaining to read
  11. citizenofthefence reblogged this from jadedpunk
  12. travislatrine reblogged this from kman3115
  13. angiepants reblogged this from kman3115 and added:
    I love love love that some people still don’t know. Yes. Intruder Blue is Mikey Erg. The secret is out.
  14. kman3115 reblogged this from spiderbears and added:
    Rhymes with dusto…
  15. spiderbears reblogged this from jadedpunk
  16. pennyfuckingcentury reblogged this from ladamademente and added:
    Tawney and I spend too much time pondering these kind hearted criminals identities.
  17. ladamademente reblogged this from jadedpunk and added:
    modernette/Kryssie! ♥
  18. reilly19 reblogged this from jadedpunk
  19. idontevenknowatthispoint reblogged this from jadedpunk
  20. yogfest reblogged this from jadedpunk
  21. ad-tyler reblogged this from jadedpunk
  22. fuckyeahadrianx reblogged this from jadedpunk
  23. theneesh reblogged this from jadedpunk
  24. myotherurlsucked reblogged this from jadedpunk
  25. mrbluebrett reblogged this from jadedpunk

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