It’s been almost two weeks since Fall Out Boy announced they would be getting back together and for whatever the fuck reason, we are still hearing about it. But in the grand scheme of music news, this should’ve been filed at the very top of the who-gives-a-fuck pile. Here’s why.
1. Three Years Isn’t A Hiatus
Fall Out Boy announced they were going on hiatus in November 2009. That’s barely over three years ago. Three years isn’t a hiatus. There are currently active bands better than Fall Out Boy who haven’t put out material in longer than that. Dillinger Four hasn’t released new material since 2008. Or how about this: My Bloody Valentine put out an album this year which was their first in 22 years. Can you comprehend how long 22 years is, Fall Out Boy fans? It’s longer than Fall Out Boy’s manager wants you to believe Pete Wentz has been alive. Pete is actually 33 fucking years old and still tweets shit like this:
when girls aren’t listening to you they say things like “aw” when you’re done talking. guys just look at their phones. we need our “aw” word
Three years isn’t a long time in the music world, but it’s a long time in teenage years. So if you were one of Fall Out Boy’s millions of idiot screaming teen fans, fine. But it’s been three years. Grow the fuck up. Three years should’ve been plenty of time for you to take a good hard look at yourself and your eyeliner in the mirror. Even if you were 15 when Fall Out Boy broke up, you are 18 now. You are a full grown fucking adult who can drive a car and buy porn and be convicted of murder and, god help us all, vote. If you’re a full grown person still following Fall Out Boy, you should not be allowed to vote.
3. They Were Total Dicks About It
Fall Out Boy and their management were relentless about denying any rumors that the band was reuniting. They even went so far as to make people remove tweets about it and in general, tried to make people look like total asshole liars for reporting anything about the rumors, even though they were ultimately (and unfortunately) true.
4. The Media Onslaught Was Obnoxious
When Fall Out Boy finally did get around to deeming the world worthy of their reunion news, they opened the world’s throat, and literally crammed it the fuck down there. If you read any music blogs, follow music news, or just have Internet access in general, you couldn’t escape the bombardment of non-stories: ‘Fall Out Boy Have A Big Announcement Tomorrow,’ ‘Fall Out Boy Announce They Have An Album Coming Out,’ ‘Fall Out Boy Have Another Announcement Tomorrow,’ ‘Fall Out Boy Announce They Are Happy With Yesterday’s Announcement,’ ‘Fall Out Boy Have New Video,’ ‘Fall Out Boy YouTube Upload Went Smoothly,’ ‘Fall Out Boy Starting Tour,’ ‘Fall Out Boy Can’t Find Their Keys, Delay Tour By Five Minutes,’ ‘Fall Out Boy Really Like Music!’ For fuck’s sake, print the only necessary headline: ‘Group of Rich Nerds Who Hate Each Other Get Over Themselves Long Enough To Milk Their Careers For A Few More Million Dollars.’
5. What The Fuck Happened To This Guy?
It figures that the only semi-interesting thing about Fall Out Boy reuniting is the only thing not getting any coverage, namely, what the fuck happened to the singer? He used to be some balding pudgy dork who the management put a hat on and stuck in the back somewhere behind Pete Wentz. And now it looks like they got an image consultant to Clay Aiken him up. Is this even the same guy?
6. This Shit is Terrible
This one should go without saying but this new song makes Fall Out Boy’s pre-hiatus music sound like fucking Motorhead. The video they released features a bunch of leather-clad ladies tossing Fall Out Boy records into a fire and then 2 Chainz torching them with a giant flame thrower and they somehow even managed to make that lame.