That new Daft Punk album is out today and it GODDAMN FUCKING STINKS. Which wouldn’t be worth mentioning except that it has been the most hyped album since Jesus Christ put out his shitty synthpop record. It was on the cover of Rolling Stone, NME, and Good Housekeeping (probably). It sounds like a bunch of little kids dicking around with a Casio keyboard. Too much time designing helmets, not enough time writing music that people actually wanna listen to.
So, we are taking the initiative to start hyping an album coming out this year that at least stands a chance of being good. Even if it’s just Brendan farting into a tuba (which it might be!), The new Lawrence Arms will still straight up crush this Daft Punk horseshit. LET’S ALL START HYPING IT OUT OF OUR ASSES UNTIL WE SOUND LIKE RABID MORONS WITH NO DISCERNABLE TASTE IN MUSIC.
Here’s some classing Larry Arms to tickle your musical erogenous zones.
The bassist of this band sent us a very menacing email, basically threatening us to post this. He included a picture of himself holding a gun to a puppy’s head with a sign that said, “You, if you don’t post my music.”
Since we don’t want the puppy harmed, you should check them out. They’ve got a sort of punk-ska sound to em. Not this song though. This song is slower and it’s about getting old. If you haven’t noticed, that’s sort of the running theme of this blog. That, and being an asshole and being late on your bills.
Since people are flogging us with taunts for not playing this today, we’re doing something we’ve never done: TWO songs of the day. (Song of the days?) Anyway, here it is, the date appropriate “May 16” by Lagwagon.
Hey since we’re talking about feelings, why isn’t Lagwagon on the Riot Fest lineup this year? We wouldn’t mind seeing them replace, oh we dunno, just off the top of our heads, the following bands…
Fall Out Boy
All Time Low
Pierce The Veil
Taking Back Sunday
The Devil Wears Prada
Make those changes and maybe we’ll get our tickets.
47 years ago today, Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys released their masterpiece of an album, Pet Sounds, an album Paul McCartney once called “the classic of the century.” Then in 2001, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes covered their song “Sloop John B” on Blow in the Wind, an album we once called, “not bad, we guess.”
Frankly, we didn’t think it was possible for Bane to sound any worse, but this band I See Stars managed to do it with their cover of “Can We Start Again.” Congratulations, scene, you are Human Centipeding yourself.
Wasn’t gonna post this song because of that godawful cover art. Seriously, look at that fucking cover. But then listen to Lemmy’s voice on the “Breakin’ the law, breakin’ the lawwwww” part. Holy shit. He sounds like a goddamn garbage truck processing a barrel full of chainsaws.
The rest of this Judas Priest tribute album pretty much sucks. “Oh how bad can it be,” you ask very stupidly. Well, the next song is a cover of “Metal Gods” by Fozzy and Chris Jericho. So THERE YA GO.
We’re not just posting this because of the alligator lady boobs on the cover. Well, we are. But also, it’s an awesome song. So probably like 30% because of alligator boobs, 40% because of it being kickass record, 25% because Cory Branan is a southern hunk of man who can write the shit out of a song. How much is left over? 5%? Ok, then 5% because it beat out “The Safety Dance” in rock-paper-scissors.
The newly reformed Black Flag (that is not the other newly reformed Black Flag) have another new song out called “The Chase,” which was also the name of a movie Henry Rollins was in. But no Henry Rollins is this one.
“Teen Idles played for a year and then broke up. We saved every dollar we ever made. It was in a cigar box. So, when we broke up, instead of splitting the money between the four of us — each getting two-hundred-and-some dollars — we decided that we would document the music that we had been making. You can imagine, by the way, the interest that record labels across the country had in a teenage punk band from Washington, D.C. that had broken up. There was no interest whatsoever.”
Yeah, Ian, but think of how much booze you could have bought with that two-hundred-and-some dollars! Wait, no probably not.
There is a metal band in Brooklyn called Unlocking The Truth that is made up of three 11-year-olds. They make every band in the nu-metal scene look like total garbage. Not that that was difficult.
These kids have some seriously dope metally riffs and breakdowns. Not sure when they have time to come up with those in between doing homework and…I don’t know, what do 11-year-olds do these days? We have no idea. Play Pokemon?
Yo, little dudes. Wanna play the next show we put on? Offer is on the table. One catch: You gotta show us how to beat this last level on Bioshock Infinite.
A lot of bands send us their music with the warning, “We promise it doesn’t suck!” And then surprise: It totally fucking sucks. That’s like telling someone you’re great in bed and then you’ve only got that one lame move. You know the one.
This band sent us their music and they didn’t promise it didn’t suck. They just said they were from Toronto and they kinda sound like Husker Du and The Wipers and SST bands. And guess what. Their album is actually pretty great. Thanks for the low pressure sales pitch, dudes.
Listen. You can criticize our opinions all you want. And believe me, PEOPLE DO. And that’s fine. But here’s someone you can’t argue with: The Iron Sheik. Not unless you wanna get put in sick camel clutch, make you suck Hulk Hogan raisin balls dick in hell forever make you motherfucker humble. Yesterday, Sheikie tweeted nicely about our pals in Banquets who have a new album. Kinda. I think what he said was something about how they should get raped by dead dog shit or something, which in Sheik talk means it’s pretty awesome. Anyway, do what Sheik says and buy it.