Hey, this is Dan. Wait, I meant that this is Dan writing this, not the guy with the Green Day mohawk above. That is definitely not me. I’m the dude who edits and writes most, but not all, of the garbage on this godforsaken site. Some other people contribute garbage and I can’t take credit for their garbage. I’m no garbage thief.
Anyway, the very nice folks at VICE’s Noisey blog have given me a regular column where I will be routinely badmouthing music. So keep your eyes out for that and share it a million times on the internets. But even if not for my column, you should check the site out. They post some pretty dope content. Oh wait, I’m supposed to be keeping up my punk cred here. I meant to say, uh…fuck VICE and their unethical treatment of like, hipster animals or whatever. UP THE PUNX.
Yesterday, we mentioned that the Met’s recreation of CBGB’s shitter didn’t look like the one many of us remember. In that, it looked nothing like it. Well, someone claiming to have worked on the show at the Met emailed us to let us know why we’re wrong…
Last night, the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York hosted the 2013 Met Gala. This year’s theme was “Punk: From Chaos To Couture.” For many celebrities, this was the first time they had used the word “punk” in a sentence that wasn’t “Have my assistant get me Daft Punk tickets.” It was also an excuse for them to spend $10,000 to spike their hair up and play punk dress up for a night. When interviewed, they all sounded like total shitheads talking out of their asses. Here’s what some of them had to say in these actual quotes from the red carpet…
SNL took a brief break from publicly fellating Justin Timberlake and beating the Stefan skit to death last night to run this mockumentary about a British punk who loves Margaret Thatcher. And it was actually pretty funny. And way more entertaining than watching Sid & Nancy or that shitty Germs biopic. It wasn’t the first time the show has let Fred Armisen showcase his known love of punk. Anyway, enjoy it now before the show goes back to letting Frank Ocean think he can do comedy.
Hollywood greenlit all kinds of punk-themed movies this year that look like absolute dogshit. It kind of makes us wish we’d finished writing that script for our movie, Henry And The Hendersons. It’s basically just Harry And The Hendersons but John Lithgow finds Henry Rollins in the woods and his family tries to domesticate him. “Get out of here! Can’t you see we don’t want you anymore? Why can’t you go back to D.C. where you came from? Leave us alone! [smacks Henry in the face] Go!”
There are two movies in the works that look especially terrible: CBGB, the biopic about CBGBs, and Punk’s Dead, the sequel to SLC Punk. So which one will make us all want to cry in a cold shower with our clothes on more? Click ‘Read More’ and let’s take a look…
If you live anywhere near New York, get your ass directly to the Music Hall of Williamsburg this weekend for the Don Giovanni Records Showcase shows. Not only are New Jersey’s own Stormshadow reuniting, but they are releasing a new record, “Set On Destroy.”
And Friday night’s headliner: Laura Stevenson, who routinely and efficiently, BRINGS IT.
Get on it, tri-state area. Save 15% on tickets by using promo code: JadedPunkLiedWeDontReallyHaveAPromoCodeSorryGuys01
Oh Fucking Hell, Here Is Another Goddamn Shit-Era Misfits Album
Rolling Stone currently has a stream of DEA.D. ALIVE!, a Jerry Only-fronted Misfits live album which, WARNING: CONTAINS NO PRE-FAMOUS MONSTERS MATERIAL. So we will say NO THAN.KS! Some of the songs open up with Jerry asking the crowd, “You know this one?!” No, goddammit, Jerry. We don’t know this one! We know “Astro Zombies” and “Where Eagles Dare.” We do not know “this one.” Stop asking.
“Asked for his reaction, the real Ian MacKaye declined to comment, saying ‘I didn’t know a thing about this Twitter feed, which shouldn’t be much of a surprise since I don’t really pay any attention to Twitter and the like.’”
This Black Flag Reunion Is The Last Nail In The Coffin For Punk
It’s sort of a standing joke at this point that any notable punk band that breaks up will eventually do a reunion show. But there were some bands that were off limits to that, Black Flag among them. Because certainly Black Flag, arguably the most influential and respected seminal punk band of all time, would be above jumping on the modern day reunion bandwagon.
But wait! Here’s Black Flag with some exciting news:
Black Flag has reformed and is in the process of putting finishing touches on a new album with founder Greg Ginn on guitar, Ron Reyes on vocals, Gregory Moore on drums and Dale Nixon on bass.
…Black Flag are excited to announce that they will be playing the UK’s Hevy Fest on Sunday August 4th. Celebrating it’s 5th year this summer, Hevy is a completely independent hardcore, punk and metal festival with over 80 bands across 4 stages.
…Black Flag is headlining the Muddy Roots Music Festival in Tennessee, Saturday August 31st, 2013. Muddy Roots is 100% independent and promotes artists ranging from bluegrass, old country to punk rock and everything in between. 3 days of camping WITH 60 bands.
More festival and tour dates to be announced soon including Black Flag US Tour Fall 2013
Wow! New Black Flag material and reunion shows at some shitty music fests? Guess who’s excited for that? Fucking NO ONE, that’s who. And on top of that, there’s another Black Flag lineup going by the moniker “The Flag” with Keith Morris, Chuck Dukowski, Bill Stevenson, and Stephen Egerton.
We love Black Flag. We love all of those aforementioned people. And we love the fact that Rollins was deliberately excluded from BOTH lineups. But we don’t need a regurgitated version of the band singing “My War” at some goddamn hippie music festival in Tennessee. We barely need it when our friends’ bands cover “Nervous Breakdown” and we have to humor them and tell them they were really good.
You know who regurgitates established entities for surefire profit? Hollywood assholes who reboot franchises over and over until we’re all sick of them. Spiderman is great but can we go one fucking year without another Peter Parker reboot? So that’s where we’re at with punk right now. One step away from getting rebooted and seeing Andrew Garfield’s stupid face replace Joe Strummer in a modern day version of The Clash. Oh that sounds far-fetched, does it? Except that it basically happened when a reformed version of The Germs played the Warped Tour with the guy from A Walk To Remember after he played Darby Crash in a movie.
So that’s it. Punk is officially dead. The next time you see someone wearing one of those godawful “Punks Not Dead” shirts, go up to them and say, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news…”